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Intimacy, Identity and Emotional Trauma After Injury

Day 3 · 1:13:22 · Dean Allison · Carol Messenger

  • 💔 Permanent loss of perineal sensation and orgasm left her feeling broken and unworthy despite a supportive husband.
  • 🧠 Early focus on simply walking and toileting delayed confrontation with the full loss of embodied pleasure and connection.
  • 😔 The emotional toll compounds the physical disability and sense of a vanished former self.

Witness addresses rarely discussed sexual and identity consequences of spinal injury.

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Transcript

Dean Allison · 1:13:22

And when I was interviewing you, um, now I think it's some weeks ago, um, I asked for your permission to talk about the perineal area. Perineal area. Um, are you still willing to speak about that?

Carol Messenger · 1:13:35

Yes.

Dean Allison · 1:13:35

So, um, just because it, it's something that we don't think about. I mean, we're human adults and and intimacy with our, our spouses are very important to us. Can you just share about how that's changed? Because it's an injury.

Carol Messenger · 1:13:53

Absolutely.

Carol Messenger · 1:13:53

And, you know, from the moment this happened and, you know, I came home, I would just always be lying on the living room floor, really just trying to rehab or get my head around things.

Carol Messenger · 1:14:07

I am—.

Carol Messenger · 1:14:08

I have felt just so broken. I just felt like I'm not the same version of who I was. And over time, of course, intimacy and things like when people have injuries or stressful things, those are one of the first things to go away. So it was never really— there was just bigger things. I just needed to walk. I needed to go to the bathroom. But as time went on, it was like, I'm not getting back sensation. You know, if you imagine, you know, human pleasure and connection is— it's not just about You know, penetration and intercourse is everything, right? Sensation, touch, feeling. And when you're paralyzed and coming back to, you lose all muscle tone and feeling too. And that was inside me as well. So when you think of the bladder and your colon and you think about, you know, a woman's anatomy and a man's anatomy, you know, I can't orgasm, you know, and I know it's not all about intimacy and relationships is not just about, you know, the big O. But just imagine today if you were like, what if I lost that ability to even feel pleasure and even feel— I felt so broken.

Carol Messenger · 1:15:13

I didn't even feel worthy. I felt like no one, even though my husband's been incredible. That's just some of the emotional trauma that one goes through, right? In so many ways. So yeah, so that those areas are still affected.

Dean Allison · 1:15:39

Carol, thanks so much. Thanks for being here and, and sharing your story. Yeah, we do have some time for questions, but I, I, I do have a couple questions for sure.